Closure is in your hands’, ‘Closure lies in your mind’. ‘Forget them, Forgive Them’. We have been hearing this every now and then. I see most of my clients coming and telling me, ‘I knowclosure lies within me, he/she has moved on, I can’t I just can’t’. Does closure lie in our hand?
The mantra: ’closure lies within you’, unsurprisingly, often comes as an advice from friends, family members, or anyone you talk about it. They try to be sympathetic, because that is how it is!!
The person who has been there always, physically, emotionally, virtually isn’t there, has gone unannounced and sudden.One sided break ups are more painful than one sided love.
Why does one sided break up hurt more? Does the reason that the person who dissolved the relationship has not acted kindly, decently or even humanely or the fact that he/she didn’t realize that they owe an explanation? Is it that they moved on beautifully and you are sitting shattered, what, what hurts?
To shirk responsibility and guilt, he or she refuses to give a former partner closure, causing the rejected party tremendous pain and distress.
Rejection hurts, going unannounced hurts, deliberate allegations hurt, moving on hurts, seeing them with other hurts, sleeplessness hurts, loneliness hurts, devoid of companionship hurts, insults hurt, most importantly not able to do anything hurts!!!
Do we need closure or is closure practically possible? When both the parties wish to end, it happens, it pains but it happens. Simply to move on, we don’t need closure. One can move on with life in a positive way after undergoing pain of few months There would be many unanswered questions but then all questions doesn’t have answers. But closure still is required, because that little voice behind your head will always make you wonder: what went wrong? Why was I treated like this? This ‘what if’ is more harmful than the break up itself.
For the few days of ‘No Contact’, one undergoes different emotions, sadness, pensive mood, emptiness and anger. As the time floats, one start seeing the larger picture. When, in relationship we have a tunnel vision and we see what we wish to see, we are too closely entwined in relationship to see the entire perspective. But when we take step away from the relationship and start seeing it from peripheral vision we see details we didn’t see before, insignificant things become less and less important, and significant things become more pronounced.
Initially the clarity can cause greater pain as how you were treated and what emerged in the past becomes more evident. But this is necessary to move on- if you were operating under false assumptions about the relationship, these truths that become apparent will help to guide you to conduct your life with strength and more meaning.
Former therapist, grief counselor and life coach Susan Elliott suggests: “Don’t mistake grief for love. It’s normal and natural to grieve any loss. Even if the relationship was the worst in the world. Don’t let your grief cause you to second guess your feelings. Part of the grief process is ‘review and relinquishment’ where it is necessary to process through the relationship. Unfortunately, this review comes in the form of having the estranged on your mind constantly. It’s a ‘working through’ and it doesn’t mean you’re not going to get over it, or that you still love the estranged. It means your mind is doing the work it needs to do to process through it and get over it.”
We all have different personalities, different relationship dynamics and situations but there are few strategies which can soothe the pain, if not completely at least partially.
Grieve the loss of your relationship and allow yourself to feel the pain of the ‘no contact / break-up. Don’t avoid the hurt by distracting yourself from the reality because you can’t heal and move on until you’ve grieved.
1. Cease from contacting. No contact means just no contact. Not on phone, sms, whats app,emails.
2. Stalking them on social media will only make you feel bad and worse.
3. Contacting the person will not change how you got to where you are in the relationship. Recovering from the grief is a difficult process that takes patience. Contacting your estranged may temporarily alleviate the pain, but contact is simply postponing the inevitable.
4. Spend time alone to reflect on the relationship’s positive and the negative aspects. Be honest with yourself and don’t solely focus on the favorable components of the relationship.
5. Take time, lot of time and lots and lots of time, but ones you start regaining the composure, stop yourself from falling to prey to them.
6. Write down, the more you pen down your thoughts the more you come out from the clutches of your emotions.
7. Watch movies, hear the music, take long drives and do whatever it takes to ease the pain.
8. Work, even if you don’t feel like.
9. Chocolates, Coffee, Friends are mood elevators: Try them out.
10. Closure is like accepting the death of someone close, it takes time. We need to be open in dealing with emotions completely, to express them honestly and discuss with someone we are comfortable with.
If nothing works take a professional help. Talking helps, non-judgmental discussions help. Professional Counseling Helps.
Closure happens when you can finally put the past to rest and not look back. Closure happens when you are content with the way your life is shaping up. Closure happens when you can be at peace with what happened and move on directly into the future confidently.
Remember, it is better to lose a lover than to love a loser (pun intended)
From the desk of Counseling Psychologist
Dr Reena Bhansali(Ph.D)
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